Friday, August 11, 2006

Would anyone mind if I punched a charity collector on the nose?

Do you remember when cars treated "stop" lights as an instruction, rather than a suggestion?

Yes, I have heard of Childline. They are the ones who hang around shopping malls, hassling people and trying to sell them credit cards.

Do you remember when the only people you ever saw cycling on the pavement were on tricycles?

Yes, I have heard of the WWF; but personally, I think it's all staged. And even if it isn't, I still don't want a credit card.

Do you remember when cyclists tried to avoid pedestrians, as opposed to swearing loudly at pedestrians who don't avoid them?

Last week it was extinct animals, this week it was abused kiddies, next week it will be save the kangaroo, but I still will not want one of your damn credit cards.

I asked a policeman what side of the pavement cyclists are supposed to cycle on, and whether they had to obey traffic lights or not, and he said "Mind how you go, Sir."

"Free broadband forever." The "free" part means "twenty pounds a month" and the "forever" part means "you will wait forever for us to connect you."

There are some stretches of pavement where you don't have to dodge cyclists. These are the stretches occupied by parked cars.

Has anyone ever actually managed to buy a Megabus ticket from Bristol to London for £1?

Or the stretches of pavement occupied by the 143 new kinds of wheelie bin the council has issued us with.

Ticket reservation is compulsory on this service; but if you try to sit in the seat you have reserved, then the person sitting in it will turn up his I-Pod and threaten to knife you.

It said "Haircut for £6" so I said "A couple of inches off all round, leave it over my collar and ears, and brush it forward." He said "That will be £10 in your case." I said "All right, how much will you cut off for £6"

Would you like to donate to Mencap? Do I look mad?

Yes, thank you, as a matter of fact I do have 20p for a cup of coffee. (But if you tell me where you can get a cup of coffee for 20p, I'll give you a quid. Boom boom.)

Would you like to donate to Amensty? Not if you attached electrodes to my genitals.

A female attendant is on duty in this toilet.

Would you like to donate to the RSPCA? La-la-la-I'm-not-listening.

Run of out petrol? No money in your wallet? Need £5 for a taxi. Yes; that seems to happen to people a lot on this street; although I must admit that the mobile phone call to your wife was a nice touch.

The cashier in Tescos chased me down the aisle and out of the shop because I had forgotten my pot of jam; but no one ever mentions it when someone is unexpectedly helpful.

But seriously; would anyone mind if I punched a charity collector on the nose?

7 comments:

culfy said...

If they step out in front of you, try and block your path and then, when you're say "I'm can't stop, I'm busy" then reply "Too busy to help the starving/mentally ill etc." then you have my blessing

Mike Taylor said...

Congratulations, Andrew. I think you have made the transition to Tory.

culfy said...

[quote] Congratulations, Andrew. I think you have made the transition to Tory. [/qupte]

Technical, it is extremely High Tory to approve of charity; after all it allows the consumer to decide where his hard earned finance goes while ensuring that only the most popular charities survive in the market place.

It is the socialist who looks at charities and wonders why the government is not providing for these people.

NickPheas said...

Not sure about the chuggers, but the basic trick with cyclists is to stand your ground, look very solid (both of which you should be able to do) and then sidestep into their path so that they slam into the parked cars.

Very satesfying if you can pull if off. But on no account appologise.

Julia said...

It would depend on the charity collector.

Most of 'em, I'd say go for it.

But I'm feeling rather surly at the moment.

brizzul said...

After one chugger blocked my path and wouldn't take a polite no for an answer I had to prod my finger into his chest and shout at him. What other area of social life do I have to do that in?

I'd rather be a tory than a hand wringing liberal anyday.

Sylvia Drake said...

I had to prod my finger into his chest and shout at him.

Not to say that I've never been tempted to behave like that, but I would caution against assigning total responsibility for your actions to the person who provoked you to choose those particular actions.


Anyway, what I really wanted to say was: Andrew, you sound just like Bill Shatner, but I mean that in a good way. . .